Incident Protocol for Your Town USA

9 06 2015


Something cray cray happened in Texas this weekend. Let the national incident protocol begin!

  • Event happens.
  • Fox News immediately begins panel discussion to determine if the incident was racially motivated. White panel members say “no”. Black panel members say “yes”.
  • Quick, aggrieved people! Get your snapshot videos up on YouTube!
  • Quick, accused people! Get your statements together and your stories ready!
  • Facebook and Twitter top brass in emergency meetings to come up with clever hashtags.
  • Civil rights leaders claiming victory for finally getting black panelists on Fox News.
  • Protest! Protest! Protest! Protest!
  • People on social media outraged by a version of the event that fits their long stated beliefs.
  • Aggrieved family hold first press conference. Family calls for peaceful protests. #SpokesUncle
  • Riot! Riot! Loot! Loot!
  • Flounder buys ten thousand marbles at Woolworth’s.
  • Raging Twitter discussion begins about how black guys say the N word all the time “but we can’t”.
  • News media art departments update “Crisis In (insert town name)!” graphics.
  • Anderson Cooper! Get your ass to (insert town name)! Report on what gets the most ratings!
  • Media cameras focus on that one guy brave enough to stand up to protesters.
  • Katy rescues Boone…

  • People on social media share appropriate righteous, “thank god it’s not happening in my neighborhood” indignation.
  • Reporters on the street in (insert town name) shocked that tear gas makes it really hard to breathe.
  • Housewives in every major city in the country complain on Facebook about television news coverage “fucking with my soaps!”
  • Church and community leaders call for resignation/prosecution of senator/congressman/mayor/city councilman/police commissioner, chief, captain, officer.
  • Al Sharpton and Rush Limbaugh report on exactly what is going on – via satellite.
  • News media interviews small business owner whose store was looted. Hopefully an immigrant… accents equal ratings!
  • People on social media immediately become experts on the constitution/medicine/law/police procedure.
  • Government officials state determination to find out exactly what happened. The truth is the most important thing. Justice will be served.
  • Church and community leaders call for calm and peace after checking for scratches on their Mercedes.
  • NoTyreseProtesters finally take well-deserved break to eat tasty treats rescued from local Pathmark.
  • News media sharing celebrity tweets expressing outrage/support for the people of (insert town name).
  • Professional athletes begin wearing t-shirts in support of (insert town name).
  • Outrage that no one from the White House attended funeral/memorial service/candlelight vigil. Republicans are incensed. Democrats… not so much.
  • Anderson Cooper sipping Evian on private jet back to palatial country estate.
  • Event is over. Media is gone.

The country has moved on to the next news cycle… Walter Cronkite stops spinning in grave. Good night, and good luck.

I assume that everyone understands this is meant to be a joke. What is serious are some of the real problems that we have in this world… Racism, media bias, out of whack priorities, and a general disrespect of our fellow man. Clearly, I’m taking some shots at news media. But journalists have a responsibility to provide the truth, and they don’t. We have a responsibility to expect the truth, and we don’t. 

I’m guilty of making rash decisions about situations – or incidents like I parody above – based on minimal evidence. Must work on that… Be better.




One response

10 06 2015
Helene Montini

Are you making sure we are reading all the way through by adding the Animal House references?

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