Incident Protocol for Your Town USA

9 06 2015

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Something cray cray happened in Texas this weekend. Let the national incident protocol begin!

  • Event happens.
  • Fox News immediately begins panel discussion to determine if the incident was racially motivated. White panel members say “no”. Black panel members say “yes”.
  • Quick, aggrieved people! Get your snapshot videos up on YouTube!
  • Quick, accused people! Get your statements together and your stories ready!
  • Facebook and Twitter top brass in emergency meetings to come up with clever hashtags.
  • Civil rights leaders claiming victory for finally getting black panelists on Fox News.
  • Protest! Protest! Protest! Protest!
  • People on social media outraged by a version of the event that fits their long stated beliefs.
  • Aggrieved family hold first press conference. Family calls for peaceful protests. #SpokesUncle
  • Riot! Riot! Loot! Loot!
  • Flounder buys ten thousand marbles at Woolworth’s.
  • Raging Twitter discussion begins about how black guys say the N word all the time “but we can’t”.
  • News media art departments update “Crisis In (insert town name)!” graphics.
  • Anderson Cooper! Get your ass to (insert town name)! Report on what gets the most ratings!
  • Media cameras focus on that one guy brave enough to stand up to protesters.
  • Katy rescues Boone…

  • People on social media share appropriate righteous, “thank god it’s not happening in my neighborhood” indignation.
  • Reporters on the street in (insert town name) shocked that tear gas makes it really hard to breathe.
  • Housewives in every major city in the country complain on Facebook about television news coverage “fucking with my soaps!”
  • Church and community leaders call for resignation/prosecution of senator/congressman/mayor/city councilman/police commissioner, chief, captain, officer.
  • Al Sharpton and Rush Limbaugh report on exactly what is going on – via satellite.
  • News media interviews small business owner whose store was looted. Hopefully an immigrant… accents equal ratings!
  • People on social media immediately become experts on the constitution/medicine/law/police procedure.
  • Government officials state determination to find out exactly what happened. The truth is the most important thing. Justice will be served.
  • Church and community leaders call for calm and peace after checking for scratches on their Mercedes.
  • NoTyreseProtesters finally take well-deserved break to eat tasty treats rescued from local Pathmark.
  • News media sharing celebrity tweets expressing outrage/support for the people of (insert town name).
  • Professional athletes begin wearing t-shirts in support of (insert town name).
  • Outrage that no one from the White House attended funeral/memorial service/candlelight vigil. Republicans are incensed. Democrats… not so much.
  • Anderson Cooper sipping Evian on private jet back to palatial country estate.
  • Event is over. Media is gone.

The country has moved on to the next news cycle… Walter Cronkite stops spinning in grave. Good night, and good luck.

I assume that everyone understands this is meant to be a joke. What is serious are some of the real problems that we have in this world… Racism, media bias, out of whack priorities, and a general disrespect of our fellow man. Clearly, I’m taking some shots at news media. But journalists have a responsibility to provide the truth, and they don’t. We have a responsibility to expect the truth, and we don’t. 

I’m guilty of making rash decisions about situations – or incidents like I parody above – based on minimal evidence. Must work on that… Be better.

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One response

10 06 2015
Helene Montini

Are you making sure we are reading all the way through by adding the Animal House references?

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